Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina is widely considered a masterpiece with some ranking it as the greatest piece of literature ever written. The State of Affairs : Rethinking Infidelity is a modern work written by therapist, writer and lecturer Esther Perel.
Our most basic identities are defined by our most intimate relationships: Husband, Wife, Father, Mother, Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Confidant, Lover. Changes in these relationships can tear at the fabric of our being.
Although a complex story with many characters, plots and subplots, Tolstoy’s novel centers on the affair that Anna has with a dashing young officer. Her older husband provides her with stability, status and wealth for her and her son in late nineteenth century St. Petersburg, Russia. But, something is missing. In a chance meeting, a rakish young calvary officer abandons his latest potential conquest and becomes immediately infatuated with Anna. Anna is likewise horribly smitten and before long Anna discovers what she has been missing in her life as the two begin a white hot affair. Her husband will eventually offer her a no fault type divorce but Anna can’t pull the trigger. Torn between stability and passion she opts for passion only to become so jealous of her mercurial lover and ostracized by the high society she was a part of that she ends her life by falling in front of a moving train.
In her book, Perel describes infidelity as only slightly less heinous than murder in the way society views the transgression. However, infidelity is much more likely. How much more? That depends on what the definition of infidelity is. But, a relationship is apparently much more likely to have problems than not. Perel argues that it’s time to remove the horrible stigma since something that is apparently so common cannot be so wrong. Nonetheless, if discovered , the hurt is of course tremendous and can cause one to lose the sense of who you are as a person.
Perel argues that long term steady relationships are torn between two competing dynamics. The first is emotional stability regardless of the type of relationship, gay or straight or the role being performed by the partner. Emotional stability is signified by things like a stable job, good place to live, being a responsible and caring parent and so on. In Tolstoy’s book this part of our relationship needs is symbolized by Alexei Karenin, Anna’s husband. The second part is erotic desire. That’s where the dashing count Vronsky comes in. Perel argues that after a relationship matures it becomes harder and harder to see someone who fills the first and most important dynamic, emotional stability, in the role of erotic lover. That person in essence becomes part of the relationship superstructure, like the 401k or the house or the summer vacation. Hardly the wild person that makes us want to throw our lives away in passion. Hence the propensity to look outside the relationship to find that need. In fact most times people aren’t even looking. Perel describes numerous instances of random intersections that just seem to happen, just like Anna looking across the dance floor and locking eyes with Vronsky. Perel doesn’t justify stepping out, just explains it, how common it is, and the enormous pain and dislocations to our identities that it can cause.
In Tolstoy’s example it causes Anna to kill herself. The world has hardly been fair to women. In late Nineteenth century Russia, Anna is ostracized not for doing it, I assume Perel’s statistics apply to the past as well, but by being open about it. A 21st Century Anna Karenina would be pretty boring because she would run off with the hot young dude, take Karenin for half of everything and people would cheer. What is amazing is that the narrative Tolstoy weaves about Anna and her affair, her emotions and why she did it, is so similar to stories told by Perel about various couples and their relationship crises in her modern book.
Amazon Prime has a good movie adaptation of Anna Karenina, the 2015 two part version. Or, read the book!
Esther Perel TED talk
Maybe monogamy's just not for everyone? Nor does it make for dramatic storytelling. And yet, some of us find that the reckless passions of youth don't hold a candle to the deep comfort of long-term stability, over the long haul, and we choose not to be upended by those "random intersections" that in the hands of a master like Tolstoy produce great literature but not such great or sustainable lives.
ReplyDeleteI like Perel's statement: "Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms. There are many ways that we betray our partner: with contempt, with neglect, with indifference, with violence. Sexual betrayal is only one way to hurt a partner."
DeleteAnd she's right, couples can survive infidelity just as individuals can survive cancer. But, unless they've arranged a mutually-satisfactory "open" relationship it's
better to resist both and cultivate fidelity (the health of a monogamous relationship) in ALL its forms, isn't it? Again with the proviso that monogamy may not be the healthy choice for everyone.
Anna’s affair in the end was not sustainable as are most when they blow up. I was hoping at the end of Perel’s book to find some strategies to bridge the gap between the two opposing needs of the relationship but alas there was no single answer. Brutally honest communication which is very hard to achieve consistently or some sort of non-traditional relationship that allows for some sort of leeway were her two main areas of focus. It is always better to resist but, the erotic attraction when it hits seems to be a difficult thing to think your way past, particularly under certain conditions. The sense of betrayal is particularly devastating and although not always fatal will always permanently alter the relationship and the sense of self of the partners.
DeleteSteve, thank you for your post. I've had Anna Karenina on my book shelf for years and not taken it down to read. Now I will make an effort - it's a long book :-). I have also reserved your book by Perel at the Nashville library, I am on the wait list. Relationships are complicated and have been probably since the beginning of time. Anthropologists, psychologists, sociologists, and others have offered reasons why people behave as they do, some right and some wrong. Biologically, there is clearly a need to procreate to continue our species and that probably affects some women and men's decision in selecting a mate, even if the decision is unconscious. Proximity and similarity are also a factor. When you spend a lot of time with someone and you enjoy their company, you are naturally attracted to them. I've known a number of people that I have worked with who met their spouse to be at work. I remember when my oldest son went to the Customs meeting at MTSU when President Walker was still here, he told the assembled students in the large auditorium to look around them because there was a good chance that one of the students in that room would be there future partner. I am sure you have seen that too. When couples think back on their relationships, I think Dr. Oliver hit a key word - indifference. When couples are beginning a relationship they do extra things to make themselves more appealing but once they are in a long-term relationship, they take their partner for granted. They neglect their appearance and don't make the effort to help. I read a dear Abby the other day where the wife wrote that her husband had all of his teeth extract and now has false ones, but he only wears them when he goes out and not when he's around her and it turns her off. Now imagine if she went to work everyday and a co-worker had a full set of teeth and a pleasing smile. When was the last time we told our spouses that they have a pretty smile? That was probably the same smile that attracted us to them a long time ago.
ReplyDeleteHow about War and Peace? Crime and Punishment?
ReplyDeleteWhat is it about the classic Russians, that made them so verbose? Maybe just the absence of tight editing? Or something "cultural"?
The long winters maybe?
ReplyDelete