Up@dawn 2.0

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

A Little About Me

I think I’m going to talk about me this week, and not about everyone else. I’m stealing part of this from a friend who’s having a dilemma that I feel I have as well. I’m going to talk about what life is like when you always care what everyone thinks, but only ever really believing the negative, and never the positive.
On the school front, I grew up in a school with no friends, and many bullies. I was always the one being made fun of, or being talked about, or something negative and often embarrassing. I was a nerd (still am) and always had my head in a book (still do), and I loved it. Unfortunately, this was often a reason that I would be the target of ridicule and harassment. I eventually became a recluse, sometimes going days or even weeks without speaking to any other students in school.
High school was very similar, only I actually tried to get involved by joining Latin club and marching band. At the time it was okay, but looking back I now realize that it was all the same- I would try to fit in, sometimes putting in a lot of money and, without realizing it, buying temporary friendship. For a while I really did think some of the people were my friends, but I know now that no one was. It was all fake.
As for the present, I have no respect, no attachment, and no pride in where I am today or how I got here. Now, this isn’t to say I don’t have things to be proud of- I’m in multiple honors programs or societies, fairly decent GPA, a good home life, and many other things many see as a blessing. I see them as blessings as well, and I try to be grateful and earn them, but sometimes it all just feels fake.
Today, I look at my life both past and present, and I can’t bring a smile to my face, or even a positive feeling to my mind. I’m just going through the motions, trying to not let myself get in the way. I hear praises from family, but they often feel empty duties from people who feel like they have to say positive things. People joke about not being able to take compliments, but I literally can’t, and feel suspicious of anyone who gives them to me. My entire life, I cannot think of a single time where I had an inkling of real self-esteem towards myself, never mind towards others.

So, this is it- this is a tiny glimpse into the mind of someone who only believes in the worst of themselves. Someone who truly is their own worst enemy. I wouldn’t normally post something so personal, and would rather write it in my journal, but today I’m tired and feel like I need to tell someone. This is the life of a depressing, skeptical, no self-esteem cynic, a life I call my own.

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